I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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