My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
