i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
