I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
