On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
