you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize