Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
