somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend