My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.