I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
