dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
