I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
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I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
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There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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