why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
