i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
