I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
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Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
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I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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