the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize
