Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
