I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
