I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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