I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
