Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
