no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
