yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
