why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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