hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
