If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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