I think my vagina is haunted
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
