wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
