so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
