I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
