hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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