Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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