look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
