so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
