Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Is it penis luge time yet?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
BRING THE BAGELS
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
