the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
