Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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