ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
