I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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