This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If that was your dad, he is hot
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
