he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
