Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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