i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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