phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
