he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
