Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
