You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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