i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
