I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
