So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
where are you?
Hypothermia
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
