i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Let's paint friendship bongs
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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