I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
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He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
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Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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