the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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