I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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