I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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