just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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