Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
