I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
