FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Too much gin, very little bucket
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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